Chef Jeff Starring In Just Follow The Directions!
by XtremeHardyzGrl1231
Summary: What happens when you have Jeff Hardy, Jeff's dog Liger, an evil microwave, and a demonic oven? Read and find out!


Chef Jeff Starring In Just Follow The Directions!  
By XtremeHardyzGrl1231  
  
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Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated with the WWF. I do not own Team Xtreme or 3 Count (but I wish I did! Jeff *drool* j/k you guys!). Leylo is a figment of my imagination and belongs to ME! Bottom line: Don't sue me because I am not making any money off this and do not have the intentions of insulting anybody! This story is a result of geometry class, extreme boredom, and me.   
  
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Background Info:  
Jeff Hardy and Leylo Maivia (see Love Is A Four Letter Word) are living together in Cameron, North Carolina.   
  
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The birds sang a happy little singsong chorus that pierced the silence of Jeff bedroom. Slowly, he opened his eyes and allowed them time to focus. All the while, his ears were straining to hear any sounds coming from Leylo's room (down the hall) or downstairs. Nothing. He glanced at the clock and saw that it was 1:30 in the afternoon. Leylo had probably decided to let him catch up on his sleep. Throwing the covers off of him, Jeff stretched slowly and arched his back. Letting out a monstrous yawn, he headed towards the shower in hopes of a slow, lazy day.  
  
***  
  
Hopping cheerfully down the stairs, Jeff called out for Leylo. Jeff looked around in confusion when he didn't get an answer. Liger (Jeff's dog) came pealing around the corner with a white object in his mouth. Stopping at the base of the stairs, he gave Jeff the answer to his question. A note covered in dog drool. Jeff made a face as he took the note, and Liger gave him a large canine grin. Opening the note, he recognized Leylo's handwriting.  
  
Jeffy-  
Left to go shopping with Amy and Matt. Amy, Matt, and Shane are going to stay for dinner. See if you can manage dinner for us…don't burn the house down! Liger will be watching you!   
Leylo  
P.S. I'll be sure to pick you up some more Manic Panic as a reward!   
  
Jeff groaned in obvious discomfort and seriously thought about ordering out. He could cook, but just not very well. On the other hand, the guys would probably razz him about his ability to cook. He had undergone their wrath for things like that. Teasing, ribbing, and poking fun: whatever you want to call it, it wasn't fun to be on the receiving end. Jeff let out another moan, as he remembered the time he had somehow burned water. No one had thought that burning water was possible, but somehow Jeff had. Leylo had tried to make him feel better by saying, "Jeff you're really special…most people just stick to burning food!"  
  
Would they rather die from his home cooking though? Would they even have a house to die in if he did attempt to cook? It'd be a lot safer if he ordered out.   
  
No, he could cook. Everything would be fine, as long as he focused and followed the directions. Directions and measurements were right there on the package, and he could read. No problem, he could do this.  
  
Yeah, right.  
  
Oh, shut up! Just do it. Stop arguing with yourself and get into the kitchen.   
  
***  
  
Since he had been asleep when they had left, Jeff didn't know when they would be back. Groaning yet again, he walked into the kitchen with Liger at his heels.  
  
Some rice could work…quick, easy, and likable. Leylo had cooked rice on several occasions and Jeff had seen that it took almost no time. What would go good with rice? Chicken! Yeah, this won't be so hard. Jeff took out the chicken from the freezer.   
  
He looked at the oven and cocked his head. He and the oven have been in several "hardcore matches." So far, the oven has remained undefeated in every single meeting. Jeff glared at it, oddly hoping that he looked intimidating. The oven, however, remained unimpressed. "Don't make me Swanton you, you stupid piece of…" Jeff muttered and suppressed the urge to kick it. The knobs just had white marks that could of stood for 5-degree increments or 100-degree increments. He sighed heavily for the umpteenth time that day. These things should just have on and off buttons. Better yet, these things should just know how to cook meals themselves.   
  
"Kinda like Star Trek", he muttered to himself. He opened the cabinet and pulled out the bag of rice. Turning the bag over in his hands, he scowled. "And the directions would be where?" he asked, holding it out to Liger for inspection. Liger sniffed the bag and looked back up at him. "Are you supposed to guess the right amount of water, or do you have to be born knowing the right ingredients?"  
  
Setting the bag down on the counter in order to retrieved a microwavable dish, Jeff began to talk to himself.  
  
"Welcome to the kitchen of the great Chef Jeff. Today we will be preparing his famous Xtreme Chicken and Rice. The incredible thing about this dish, ladies and gentlemen, is that Chef Jeff is making it without clear directions but don't worry, it'll be a masterpiece anyway! Remember people, FEAR is only a four letter word!"   
  
"Let's see, the bag says it feeds 6 people." Jeff did a mental head count. "Leylo, Amy, Shane, me, and Matt aka the Appetite. Hmmm, that's only 5…wait, I forgot, Matt counts as two people! Yep, that's 6 people alright." Jeff snickered to himself. Jeff dumped the whole bag into the dish and added about 4 cups of water (*Now for those who are culinarily retarded, or should I say disabled, like my boy Jeff here, too little water is very bad when cooking rice. It causes the rice to burn…when grease is added to the concoction…*).   
  
Jeff (humming happily now because the confidence in his cooking abilities has risen) grabbed the chicken. "This is a premium chicken from some extravagant foreign farm, but Purdue is a fine substitute for you cheapskates out there. But I, the great Chef Jeff, will only use the finest ingredients, even if it means having to sell my brother Matt on the streets for it. Don't worry folks, Matt will never admit it, but he loves it!"  
  
"Anyway, you have to wash the breast thoroughly, so as not to kill your loved ones as well as yourself by Salmonella poisoning. I, the Chef, has never killed anyone, and wouldn't want you to either." Jeff flashed a smile and wink at his invisible audience.   
  
"Now you stick this on top of here…" Jeff stuck the chicken on top of the rice and stared at it proudly before he popped it into the microwave. "All least this has on and off buttons," he grumbled. Since the rice package had been of no help, Jeff tossed a hand to his eyes and pressed random buttons before hitting start.  
  
"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you take your cooking to the extreme! Remember folks, the extreme always makes an impression, good or bad its up to you!"   
  
Leaving the kitchen satisfied, Jeff went to the living room to watch some TV. Flipping through the channels several times, he settled on MTV2. Jeff snuggled up next to Liger on the couch and watched Limp Bizkit belt out vein popping screams contently.  
  
***  
  
Jeff was drifting off to sleep just as Britney Spears sang, "oops I did it again…" A rumbling growl echoed in Liger's chest, causing Jeff's "pillow" to move uncomfortably. "Shhhh…" Jeff scolded sleepily, too engrossed in watching Britney prance around in her white girl weave and skanky outfits to notice the small trail of black smoke coming from the kitchen.   
  
***  
  
5 minutes later, as 'N Sync was jumping around like morons (in Jeff's opinion), a loud BOOM echoed off the walls of the house. Instinctively, Jeff drove off the couch and under the coffee table. He looked up at the ceiling to make sure it wasn't going to come down on him. A slow realization spread across his face as he saw the smoke pouring out of the kitchen and heard the smoke alarm going off.  
  
"Ahhhh! Good God!" he cried, leaping from the floor and into the kitchen in 6 bounds.   
  
The sight was a very frightening one. The microwave door had burst open and melted into the counter in a thick black puddle. The dish of rice and chicken had now become rice and chicken flambé, with the interior of the microwave being engulfed in flames. Jeff, of all moments, chose this time to get pissed. He turned to a panicky Liger, "Why didn't you tell the Chef it was going to do this?!? Some advanced warning would have been nice!" Liger growled back in defense.   
  
Jeff scrambled to the sink where he grabbed the sink hose. He turned on the tap and sprayed the smothering microwave. (*Note: you NEVER EVER use water to put out a grease fire! *). The flames became bigger and emitted huge clouds of smoke. Jeff dropped the hose in horror as the fire spread to the exterior of the microwave.   
  
Through his panic, Jeff roughly considered trying to blow out the flames but figured that he wasn't as winded as Vince McMahon was to accomplish it. "Oh god," he gasped, inhaling the thick black fumes. The room spun around twice and then settled back into place. He coughed and rubbed his eyes and moved away from the flames.   
  
He was going to die or burn the house down, or quite possibly both! "Oops I did it again!" SHUT UP BRITNEY! I must be delusional, he thought disjointedly. OF ALL THE TIMES TO FOR THAT STUPID SONG TO POP INTO HIS HEAD! Liger barked loudly, and Jeff looked up. Over Liger, the fire extinguisher was strapped onto the wall. The light shone off its red body and Jeff swore it was the most beautiful thing he had ever saw. He ripped it off the wall and planted a kiss on it before turning it on the microwave. The flames were quickly defeated and Jeff loudly rejoiced.   
  
"Take that! You're just as bad as the stupid oven! You're on my hit list, buddy!" Jeff screamed at the offending appliance as he smothered the thing with the fire extinguisher.   
  
After acting out his aggression, Jeff reached in to rescue the dish from the evil microwave. He pulled back as the heated dish singed his hand. Yelping, he cradled his hand and grabbed a potholder. He pulled the dish out and then promptly slipped. He threw his hands up at the momentary loss of balance. Burned rice and chicken flew everywhere. Jeff received a knock on the head from the heavy glass dish. The room around him darkened then lightened then spun again. Finally it came back into focus. Once again, he let out a sigh of relief mixed with disappointment.   
  
"Welcome back to the show folks. We have just found out that due to insubstantial funding, the Great Chef Jeff's Xtreme Cooking program has been bought by a new company. This program will no longer be aired. THANK GOD!"  
  
***  
  
Leylo opened the door to find the smell of kitchen cleaner the first thing to reach her senses. Walking in, the smell of food was the second thing. She glanced at her watch (6:45 p.m.), and motioned for the others to come in. In the dinning room, she saw 3 boxes of pizza sitting on the table…  
  
And to her left in the living room sat a rather miffed Jeff on the couch watching MTV.   
  
Shane saw the pizza and read the look on Jeff's face immediately. A big grin crossed his face, and he opened his mouth to comment. Leylo, Amy, and Matt shrunk back in fear as Mt. Jeff erupted.  
  
"I ORDERED OUT BECAUSE I CAN'T COOK! I TRIED AND NEARLY KILLED MYSELF! THE MICROWAVE WENT MEDEVIL ON ME AND MELTED, I BURNED MY HAND, I HIT MY HEAD, BRITNEY SPEARS KEPT SINGING IN MY HEAD, AND I'M SUFFERING FROM SMOKE INHALATION…AND IF YOU SAY ANYTHING SHANE HELMS, I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING NOT NICE!!!"  
  
Shane stood still with his mouth hanging open in a state of utter shock. Jeff's words were clear as crystal and laced with menace, so Shane wasn't going to take his chances. He closed his mouth and made his way silently to the table, as did the others.   
  
***  
  
After dinner, Jeff, Leylo, Amy, Matt, and Shane sat in the living room. Leylo had finally summoned enough courage to physically touch Jeff…and as of right now, she was only holding Jeff's hand lightly. Jeff was staring stonily at the TV, but did squeeze Leylo's hand to let her know he was ok. Then Matt dared to break the silence.  
  
"It's sounds like an interesting story, but I don't think now would be a good time to ask, huh?" Matt grinned at his baby brother, who ignored him completely.  
  
"Not right now. But from what I could tell from the scorch marks in the kitchen and doorless microwave, it wasn't too good…" Amy trailed off.  
  
"That means it must have been funny as hell!" Shane snickered. Jeff turned to him with an icy gaze. "Jeez, Jeff, I was only kidding!"  
  
Leylo suppressed her laughter at Shane's discomfort. "Maybe we'll find out someday." She said and leaned down to scratch Liger behind his ears. "But until then, we'll be stuck with the mystery of Jeff's Enigmatic Kitchen Adventure, 'cuz Liger here isn't talking."  
  
At Jeff and Leylo's feet, Liger grinned contentedly.  
  
***  
  
The End!  
  
***  
  
Okay people, that's my little story…READ and REVIEW or I'll send the microwave and oven to get you! Or even better (or worse, depends on how you look at it) I'll send Jeff to make you a meal! J/K! You guys know I love Jeff…heeheehee I just wondered what he was like in the kitchen and this is what I came up with!  
  



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